The fact that more than fifty percent of marriages end in divorce is actually the lesser of the problem. The greater difficulty lies in the fact that the majority of intact marriages are far from joyful.
Divorces are potentially scarring, at least provides the promise of better days. Remaining in an unhappy marriage, dulled by the absence of a more hopeful vision, can be downright depressing. And yet, so many people resign themselves to such lives.
Many people in such relationships merely give up and don’t work on improving their relations. I am by no means promoting divorce! however, we do every thing in our power to awaken our relationships and live more meaningfully.
Let's look at some of the reasons why people decide to stay in a bad marriage or relationship:
The Fear Factor:
Fear is the greatest impediment to growth in our lives. The fear of divorce and its incumbent anxieties or simply the avoidance of coming to terms with a relationship that may be lacking in intimacy, passion or respect. When you stay married out of fear, the emotional paralysis that pervades further poisons the relationship. Staying together out of resignation–due to fear–results in an enigmatic dilemma. Such people won’t consider divorce and yet they are convinced that their marriage won’t improve, so they don’t work on the relationship. This is the worst of all possible scenarios. They are literally caught between the rock and the hard place.
If you find yourself in this place it’s essential that you address your fears. The fear of divorce eliminates any chance of improvement in the relationship. It produces a state of frustration and make mediocre marriages even worse. If we can work through the fears around separation, then we are electing to stay in the marriage not from fear but from choice.
Fear filters our perceptions and participates in constructing our reality. The way in which you see your partner is very much informed by your emotions, particularly anger. This anger may have arisen in part because you’re feeling mired in a hopeless relationship.
For the kids:
Ever hear of the saying, "Let's stay together for the sake of the children?" Couples who are in bad marriages will say that over and over again. You are staying together for the sake of the children. Really? Why, so the children can have two parents who don't get along, and so they can grow up in a dysfunctional home run by two parents who can't show love for one another?
"Do you realize, though, how children learn to love? They learn how to love a partner by watching their parents interact with each other. That is how children learn how to love. That is how children learn to communicate in relationships when they get older."
One of the greatest things couples can do when they come in the door, is to run to their spouse and kiss them (and not the children) first. The child who sees this will start to see how you treat someone with whom you are in love.
How many of you when you first walk in the door, will greet your child (or children), pet the dog and even grab some nuts out of the refrigerator before you will even go over and kiss your spouse? Your kids see this and they see it every time you do it.
So when you "stay together for the sake of the kids," you are basically making all the mistakes that a lot of other people have made. It may be the same mistakes your parents made, and that is why you don't know how to show love.
If you and your spouse don't love each other, and you don't display love for one another, then that is what your child is going to learn about love and how to treat someone in a relationship as they move forward in life.
That Lonely Feeling:
Another weekend rolls around...but you have no one special to share it with. You get into your bed at night alone and wonder, “I’m a great woman/man. Why don’t I have a real partner to share my life with?” You might not see it…but on an unconscious level, the struggles of a BAD RELATIONSHIP may actually be more comfortable and familiar to you than the idea of being alone.
When you fear being alone, you’re much more likely to make bad choices and end up getting involved with and staying in bad relationships because it distracts you from feeling lonely.
Social Pressure:
Are a bunch of your friends married, engaged, or falling deeper into lasting, committed relationships? If so, this could have a strong impact on the way you're thinking and feeling. Seeing the love and luck that friends have in relationship can make you feel an intense level of pressure to find the right lasting relationship now. Your intense desire to have a great relationship will push people away. The person in your life may feel like you're more interested in the idea of a good relationship than you are in him/her and how she/he actually feelswhen their with you.
The Void:
If you believe that a loving relationship will ease the emptiness inside you, the harsh reality is that no relationship is ever going to be able to “fill you up.” Once the easy emotional connection and satisfaction of “new love” wears off... you'll find that you're not "filled up" after all and no matter what she/he does or says, ultimately it won't be good enough... or feel good enough for you.
This "void" is the very thing that makes you so vulnerable to the wrong relationships in the first place – it will lead you to get involved not because a relationship is right for you... but because you are driven to fill the void.
Guilt:
Your partner may use guilt to keep you involved in a relationship. This keeps you downtrodden emotionally in a relationship that is ultimately bad for you. Someone that manipulates your nurturing kindness to keep you hooked in an unloving relationship is not someone who truly loves you.
Jealousy:
Jealousy is a game one plays to keep you hooked by toying with your emotions and making you think that someone else wants what you have. The partner who manipulates your feelings in this way does it purposefully to control you and keep you hooked in a relationship.
Don't stay hooked – Don't stay controlled – Take back your own power and unhook yourself from someone who is controlling you. Free yourself for someone who will love and respect you in the manner you deserve.
No comments:
Post a Comment